Mama Bones

It’s been a wonderful  3 weeks. We’ve spent hours chatting on the phone, been out and about and we even went Rapp Jumping. I think we came into each other’s lives at just the right time.

It’s scary though. I’d like to think that in the last 2 years, i’ve been in control of my life. My time has been mine, unless I wanted to share it with someone else. Along comes this dude who turns all that on it’s head. I now want to spend every free moment I have with him. Yes I know that this is really what I wanted, but damn, its scary. I hate the fact that I love everything he does for me, with me and to me. For me it just spells disaster. Those bad thoughts start creeping in. Things like “What if the bubble bursts”, “What if a few weeks/months down the line his feelings wane and mine don’t”, “What if I stop being into him and he is still into me?”

Why are we such suckers for punishment? We ask, plead, beg and would even steal in order to have someone in your life who just wants to make you happy. You find that person and the first thing you think is “Run. Run as far and as fast as you can because you know this is going to just end up with your little heart broken into tiny little pieces.” Why can’t we just live in the moment, enjoy those good feelings? Even if there is going to be some hurt along the way, at least you would have enjoyed yourself at some point.

So the day after the movie, I went to a party thrown by some close family friends. Just to give some perspective - whenever I go to a party, I will agonise for hours about what to wear, how to do my hair, is the make-up ok, etc. This night, all I did was put on a pair of jean, white t-shirt, nice boots and put on a bit of makeup. I got dressed in 20 minutes (which never happens). You see these friends are very down-to-earth type of people. The people they hang around with are also the same. The friend I was taking with asked what she should wear. I said to her, “Sweetie, whether you show up in a ball gown or torn jeans it doesn’t matter. Just be comfortable and be you.”

So I took my own advice and went as me. About 30 minutes into the party, I ran into what must be the sweetest man. I’ve known him since high school. He was friends with some of the guys we used to hang out with. He was always quiet so he hung around in the background mainly. It took me 20 minutes to remember his name.

But boy was he just what I needed. As I’ve mentioned previously, I am pretty decent looking, but his compliments made me feel 100 times prettier. He didn’t cringe when I said I’m divorced with a 2yr old. He didn’t blink when I said I live with my mom. He was just great. Took my number & promised to call.

We spent the last 4 hours of the party chatting, dancing and just hanging out. Not once did I feel like he was coming on too strong. He offered to escort me home – I live 20 kilometres in the opposite direction from his house. He got me a drink each time my glass emptied and would be right there with a lighter when I popped a cigarette in my mouth. He would sing the words to his favourite songs at the top of his lungs and dance like he was possessed when the music moved him. Not once did I feel like he was busy trying to impress or put on a show. He looked like he was genuinely having fun.

At the end of the evening, he drove me to my car, which was parked further up the road and ASKED if he could kiss me. I haven’t had that in a long time. Most times guys just take a chance and hope you won’t turn away or slap them. He didn’t once try to paw me during the kiss. I can’t remember the last time a guy didn’t try to take chances.

I spoke to him yesterday and the conversation just flowed. There was no awkward silence and trying to think of something to say. I really like this dude. For once, I don’t feel like I have to try hard to be with someone or even put out until I’m ready. I am so ready for a relationship where we can take things slowly, get to know each other first before taking things too far. I’m seeing him tonight or tomorrow night and I am so looking forward to it.

Even if he is not the one, he just might turn out to be what I need right now, to be treated gently.

So next time we spoke on the phone I told him how I couldn’t do this anymore, blah, blah, blah. Don’t know how it happened, but I saw him again the next Saturday. I guess a part of me was hoping I wouldn’t really enjoy the sex much. Well I did! Guess that plan didn’t work much

We talked about it, but I guess my resolve wasn’t really there. I would have loved for him to tell me he is leaving her for me. But I know so well he would never do that. His ego wouldn’t let him. He is the type of guy who only goes out with girls in prominent or rich families. He has boasted a few times about some of his past girlfriends and how connected or rich they were, so I knew very well that he would never leave a sweet, pretty woman from a very politically & financially influential woman for me.

So after that last encounter, I didn’t see him for the whole week. On Saturday I called to check if I could see him. Nope, he was going out with the boys and wouldn’t be able to see me. I then decided a night at home alone wouldn’t do, so off to the movies I went.

I decided to watch Sex and the City. I mean, a girl out on her own watching a movie about 4 women who make their own rules, what could be so wrong with that

From the time Mr. Big decided to leave the library, I started bawling my eyes out. I just couldn’t stop. I cried for the pain that I knew Carrie was going through, I cried for myself and I cried for every other woman who has had any type of bad luck in love. Even the end didn’t make things any better for me. I paid for my parking and sat in my car and cried for another 30 minutes. I kept saying to the universe “What have I done that is so bad?? What’s with all this punishment? Is it really too much to ask to meet a young man, decent looking, financially stable, emotionally available and single?” If I was ugly, I guess I could see why the odds of meeting someone would be against me. If I was a total bitch, I could understand why a guy wouldn’t even bother asking for my number 2 seconds after they meet me. It’s been 2 fucking years since I was with someone where we had more going on than the sex. How much longer am I supposed to wait?

I guess being with Joe could have messed a bit with my Karma. Maybe I was getting paid back 10 fold for it. But hell, I would have never been with him if I believed there was any hope of someone coming along. I decided, while sitting in my car, eyes bloodshot & nose dripping like a tap that I would call things off with Joe & give the universe some time to align me with someone.

A part of me felt cleansed after all that crying though. I had gone from married one day, to divorced 3 weeks later and having a hostage situation in between without really stopping to take stock and grieve. I was too busy taking care of my son and just making sure that everything else ran smoothly. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to just let go and have a good cry.

I doubt that the makers of the film were aiming for this reaction, but boy am I glad I watched that movie. Was it a great movie? I don’t know, I was too busy wailing to notice

I’ve known Joe since I was 9. In fact, he was my first boyfried - a relationship that lasted around 3 years. He has always been in my life, even though sometimes we’d go for years without hearing from each other. Joe has always had a soft spot for me.

Moving right along.

Not sure how it started, but we began to exchange emails. Very innocent & light. One day he asked for my number & a few weeks later I was lying in his bed, feeling like a part of me had been ripped out. You see, I’m going through one of my ‘any type of attention will do’ moods. Here’s the last episode - at least it didn’t involve a man.

After the phone calls started, my mom mentioned that Joe was seeing someone. I wasn’t very close to her but knew her. At the time, it didn’t faze me, all we were doing was exchanging emails once in a while & chatting on the phone about once a week. 2 weeks before the first time I went into his bed, we were at a party, all 3 of us. In fact, I spent quiet a bit of time making small talk with his girlfriend.

One wednesday he called, asked me to dinner. Seemed innocent enough. We had a great time, chatting about everything including his girl. Went home feeling a bit sad that he is with someone, but also happy for him. He asked me to dinner yet again, this time though, I knew that he was still into me. I agreed - even agreed to spend the night in his guest room since I’d be halfway to my ealy morning hiking destination.

Dinner was great. We got back to his place and must have spent another 2 hours chatting still. Then, all hell broke loose and I spent almost 3 weeks seeing him at least once every 3 days.

Last night while at his place, his girlfriend callded. She was sick and he had to go over to her place. I have never felt so cheap in my life. Ok, maybe I have and I just don’t remember. At least I had the good sense (a bit too late though) to call things off.

I am so sick of being alone!!!!

The post below was written in March while in one of my dark moods. I go through days when I just get really sick of being alone. Of just needing someone to hold me & love me without me having to play games, flirt or any of that nasty business that is single life.
The post just after this one is something else that happens during my dark moods – I end up doing things that leave in tears & feeling cheap. Not that I don’t realise this when I do this, but sometimes even when you can see the train coming straight at you, you don’t really want to move.
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No one tells you. They don’t tell you about the loneliness. Nobody ever says, “sometimes, even the worst days in a bad relationship will seem better that today”.
That’s how I feel sometimes. Going for so long without anyone calling you just to say “Hi”. Even those that you are not interested in will do on days like this.
Sometimes you question the wisdom of getting out. You remember the good, very easily, yet you have to put in a bit more effort to remember why you left. On days like this, it’s easy to tell yourself that it wasn’t as bad as you thought. Or even, that some people go through worse and stay. Memories of the good days just make it worse. I have a lot of good memories. The times when even though we were dead broke, we had each other and that was enough.
It’s on days like these that I struggle hard to make sense of my reasons for getting out. I guess after being in a relationship for 8 years, it’s tough being on your own for close to 2 years now.
Sometimes, but only sometimes, I wish I had never grown up to realise that I would (ultimately – still hopeful) be a lot happier out of that marriage.

So last Saturday I decided it’s time to cut out some of Babybones’ night-time bottles. Told him that the milk was finished and he wouldn’t be getting a bottle when going to bed. He didn’t like it much, but accepted it - I think he realised he doesn’t have a choice. Wet to sleep with no problems, much to my relief. That night he woke up only once asking for a bottle, I gave him one and another in the morning.

So getting to bed has been sorted, no bottles! He still does ask for it but doesn’t even whine when I say there no bottle. He does wake up between 1 &2 am for a bottle though. I so can live with that. Going from 3 bottles a night to just one is a great improvement. I don’t know why I held it off for so long.

So most times when my son is on the potty, I keep peeping into the bowl to see if he is telling the truth when he says he is finished, especially with the No.2. When I’m not checking, I sit on the bath next to him and wait for him to finish.

This morning, I’m on the potty and he starts to call me from outside the bathroom. He then gets his step stool and opens the door with a big grin on his face. He starts to play and then remembers what I do to him when he is on there, he walk over and tries to peep. He can’t see anything - my thighs are in the way - so he goes around the back to check. When he can’t see anything, he starts to pat my bum and says ‘Lets see mommy!! Move bum-bum!!’. When I tell him to leave me & my No.2 alone, he flushes the loo! That will show me!

This afternoon, I’m going to try and find a key for that door!

About a week ago, I got a message from my ex asking if we can meet and discuss how he can be a part of BabyBones’ life. What a surprise! I guess sanity has prevailed at last.

Met him yesterday and we have devised a plan to get BabyBones used to him again. They haven’t seen each other in more than a year so we’re going to be careful and take our cues from him. At first, they will only be spending a few hours together and then we’ll take it from there.

He is still broke, which means I won’t be getting a cent from him anytime soon, but I can live with it. I know he is a good father - when he is around. I also need a break. I really hope that he doesn’t go back to being the absent father.

Around September, BabyBones was moved to the next class, the Potty Training class. About a month ago, my whole world changed! Besides having to worry about foor, sleep and general issues with a 2 year old, I now have to worry about his waste removal issues. It’s enough to maka a Mama batty.

Some days are really good. He tell me when he needs to go and when it’s time to either change his underpants or nappy, he willingly lies down and there’s no fights. Some days however are another story. This past weekend was one of those ‘I’m having too much fun to stop and go to the loo’. He would pause for a few seconds, do his business and carry on like nothing happened. Scrubbing carpets and sofas is not my idea of a good time.

I really hope this coming weekend is much better.

There’s one more week to go! I can’t believe the time flew by so quickly.

No gym this week. We’re as prepared as we are ever going to be for the trip. Had a nice hike on Sunday, cleaned my boots for the lst time before the big day. My only concern is making sure all the necessities are packed. We still have a few things left to buy.We have lists of everything. Shopping lists, packing list for each bag (duffel bag for the climb, day pack, holiday bag for after the climb). If I see one more list, I’m going to scream.

We were told yesterday that air Tanzania has a bad habit of delayed luggage. We now have to make sure that our carry on bag, and the clothes on our backs will sustain us for at least 2 days. I was planning on wearing my hiking boots on the plane anyway, they weigh way too much to pack. The thought of having to use a hired sleeping bag unnerves me though. At least I will have my own liner.