Single Mothers: Be Selfish!

I’ve heard a few single mothers declare that their “useless” exes will never get to see the child, bla, bla, bla, … My question is, Why would they do that to themselves?

Since my ex started spending every second weekend with baby bones, I’ve discovered that I too can have a life. I have whole weekends where I am neither the misnister of food or the gig guide for a 3 year-old. I can decide whether to spend the weekend sleeping in, partying or studying. At long last I don’t have to find a sitter when I want to go for a facial. My friends know that for at least 2 weekends a month, I can do child-unfriendly events and they don’t have to feel guilty when they tell me that I can’t bring my son with.

I’ve had a chat with a lot of my married friends and the ones with kids envy me. They are the sole caregivers 100% of the time. When they need time-out, they have to organise a sitter, sometimes it’s easy to find one, other times, there’s a lot of begging involved. On the other hand, their husbands can decide at any time to go to golf, watch a game with friends or to come home whatever time they wish, without even checking first with the wife.

Single moms – when you say thet he will never see the child again until…, don’t you ever take into account that maybe the best punishment is to hand over the child to him, and you can de-stress on your own? Unless the guy is the type who should never spend any time with a child, even his own, why put yourself in a position where you are so frustrated with whatever is happening betweeen you and the father, that not only the child suffers but you suffer as well? How are you going to explain to your child that I was so deadset on getting my own way, I kept you from your father, and this is why you currently have no relationship with him? If you can’t be the bigger person, then be the selfish person. Find a way to have your own time, not being mommy 24-7 and you will be such a better mommy the rest of the time.

Greatness

So Thursday I went to a fundraising dinner hosted by a friend of mine. The idea was there would be a host at each table and after every course, the guests would move around to other tables and spend the night at at least 4 different tables.

So how did I pick my first table? Well, there this guy I’ve sort of had a crush on for a while now. He climbed Kilimanjaro and he also runs a charity that feeds a few villages in the Limpopo province of South Africa. Anyway, he was the first person I noticed when I walked in and the glee on his face when he saw me confirmed he is feeling me too. Either way. when I found out he is one of the hosts, I made sure I was at his table.

Bad move!! Each person at his table was asked 5 questions:

• What do you do to stay positive? (we live in SA, nuff said)
• What do you do for other people?
• On a scale of 1 – 10, how would you rate the hand life has dealt you?
• How would you rate the way you’ve played the hand?
• What make you great?

I could handle the first four, but the last one stumped me. What makes me great!!!! For F’s sake, right now is not the time to ask me such questions. I’m so down in the dumps that I think just the fact that I manage to go through the day with a smile on my face every so often is a great achievement. I sort of mumbled through the answer and couldn’t for the life of me figure out what made me give such a stupid answer. After this, he has probably crossed me off his “maybe” list.

So what was my answer? Something about making everyone else around me comfortable and happy. What sort of crap greatness is that? I’m sitting here, pretty miserable & lonely and I’m boasting about making everyone else so happy! It’s not my greatness! It’s my greatest weakness!!!!

How often have I pretended to be ok with things just so nobody would feel bad about a situation? My ex stays in my house, refusing to pay rent, threatening to burn it should I try to get him out, then waiting until just before the courts throw him out of the house to move out and what do I do? I’m nice to him because at least I have my house back and after all, he is my son’s father and how long can I really keep a grudge against him if we have to see each other every other weekend!!! I mean, not once did I tell him to fuck off and take me to court if I he wants to see his son. I mean really! I have let just about every man I’ve allowed into my life ride roughshod over me. I’m no angel and I’ve done my share of pretty horrible things in some relatuionships, but to be honest, I’ve spent time in most relationships making sure that the guy was happy and not the other way round, and look where that’s got me!

I’m not yet sure how to go about being more of a “bitch” but I really think I need to start putting myself first. And that, might just turn out to be my greatness.

Scared of the unknown

I walk around, care free pretending that everything is fine and I am in control. What nobody knows is that I’m scared & lonely. Scared that I will be alone forever. Scared that being alone might take me down roads that are best left alone. Scared that my loneliness might make me so desperate to be loved that I just might be willing to do anything for it.

I was not meant to have this life. I was supposed to be happily married, maybe even pregnant with my second child. She would be born healthy & strong and her name would be Marang. But alas That’s not what happened. Instead, I noticed that my fairytale marriage was not to be. So on to plan B.

Failing the happily married scenario, I was supposed to find someone to love me the way I deserved to be loved. He would not expect me to compete with the near naked anorexic 16 year olds for his attention.
He’d call me just to say hi! He’d say good night to me every night. Out of the blue, he’d send me flowers and tell me how much he loves me. He’d join me on long hikes through the Drakensberg, and keep me warm at the top of Champagne castle. He’d hold me tight and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. He’d go with me to Carfax and Capital and get down to the sweet sounds of ragga or the thumping beats of house. He’d…

Well, Plan B is not working out either. Each time I’ve thought that this might be relationship material, I find out that they are just looking for a roll in the hay and not much more. I guess in my desperation, I was too willing to believe their lies and the illusions of what could be. It’s been 2.5 years and the only relationship I’ve had has been with an ex-drug-addict who used to borrow money from me all the time and almost ruined the Durban holiday.

Currently there’s Hail. Ex-boyfriend who is currently in a relationship. I had broken things off with him, but last week I gave in to the need for attention and called him. We spent a sweaty 2 hours and as much as I enjoyed it, I’m not going to do it again.

There’s also JB on the scene. Well, he is not really on the scene. We’ve run into each other a lot in the past few weeks. He wouldn’t automatically catch my eye, but I guess when on is on the verge of desperation, any hint of interest intrigues you. What scares me about him is that I am not sure he can resist the abovementioned 16-year-olds that seem so keen to throw themselves at him. But them again, as BFF said, he seems to have his head screwed on right. We’ve been exchanging smses. Nothing hectic, but there’s been some flirting. Guess only time will tell where this ends up.

Marrow has also just started smsing 2 hours ago. Yes I know that It’s only been 2 hours but work with me here, I’m desperate! In his roundabout way he has shown appreciation that I was worried about him and thinking of him while he was down & out. He has also enquired whether I’m seeing anyone. Not sure what he is thinking but I will eagerly await his reply. Maybe, just maybe we could give this thing a whirl.

Snake park

So my sister & I decided to take the kids to a snake park. She had seen signs for one a few times so we went off to find it. The owner of the place is a really scary dude. He seemed pretty wired – not sure if it was because of drugs or not. He was also sitting in his shop, playing heavy metal music for his head-banging parrots, wearing sandals, denim shorts and a gun. We only noticed the gun about 20 minutes after we’d been there and we were too scared to leave in case he takes it the wrong way. Not once did he do anything even slightly threatening, but let’s just say that I won’t be going around to his place anytime soon. On the other hand, he stays in a semi-rural area and I guess with all the farm murders and high crime rate in South Africa, he wasn’t taking any chances.

We walked in expecting a snake park –you know the kind that charges for entry. Well, it turns out that it’s actually a pet shop. Not your usual pet-shop though – no dogs or cats but lots of snakes, lizards, fish and all sorts of exotic-looking birds. He even took out one of the cobras out from behind the glass so my son & my nephew could stroke it.

The bearded dragon was a winner with all of us, but my sister & I couldn’t justify spending R350 on a silly-looking lizard, especially because it wasn’t in the budget. I suspect also that my mom would probably throw us all out if we had to try and bring something like that to her house, so the kids will have to wait till their mommies move out of granny’s house.

Quick Update

Shjoe! It’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess sometimes it’s difficult to put things in black & white because it makes you face up to whatever is going on in your life.p>
So where did we end off? Oh, Mr V. Well, after the last post, I had a convo with him about money. He told me that his priorities regarding money are elsewhere and basically he is not willing to spend his money on me. I crapped him out from a dizzy height. If his priorities are so on point, didn’t he once think about declining a date so I won’t have to spend a cent on him either? He offered to pay me back all the money I had spent, told him to keep it since he is such a miser, he clearly need it more than me.

Things didn’t end there though. You see, I had invited him to come with me & my son on holiday. He had offered to buy the plane tickets and I had paid for accommodation. After our money convo, Mr. V carried on as if nothing had happened. A week later I asked him if he had in fact bought the plane tickets. Yes, I have? Do you want me to drop them off by you? No, it’s cool, I believe you. NOT! I went online the same day and bought tickets for my son & I. There was no way I’d jeopardize a holiday that I had been planning for so long all because of some cheap miser.

2 days before we were supposed to be off, he stopped calling and he wasn’t answering his phone. Boy was I glad I had bought the tickets. BabyBones & I went to the sea and had a fabulous time.

Dating & Money

Well, things have been good between V & I. Well, sort of. We get along pretty well, have lots of fun together but last week something finally dawned on me. Now I have no issues paying for a man, or for my share on a date. But to do it MOST of the time!!! Hell No!

The first time we went out, he insisted on paying for everything, wouldn’t even let me pay for the tip. The next time we met was for breakfast with a friend of mine. My friend paid her share, he paid his and I paid mine. The next time he had issues with his card (it was broken and machines wouldn’t take it), it was the middle of the night and the next morning he was working at least 3 hours drive way. He was going to get cash from a friend but since it was already so late, could I give him the cash instead and he will pay me the next day. No issues, my money was in my account before noon the next day.

The next time we went out, he told me he didn’t have any money, I said cool, I’ll pay. He then asked about a week later if I could give him cash and he gives me a post-dated cheque. Alarm bells were not that loud and they were easy to ignore. 2 days later, I still hadn’t deposited the cheque, so he put in half the money in my account and said he’d give the rest later. Last week someone was supposed to deposit the money into my account while he was away, but note the words “supposed to”. We’ve spoken 3 time since and he hasn’t mentioned the money.  On August 8th a friend of mine had her birthday dinner at a restaurant. You did notice I said restaurant right. She told us all upfront that everything except champagne & cake would be for our own account. Since I am so used to paying my own way, I had more cash on me. The bill comes and V, without blinking or blushing says “you’ll take care of it”, it wasn’t a question though.

While I have no issues paying for a man, it can’t be ALL the time!! At least that how it feels! With the party, why couldn’t he tell me he didn’t have any money before he left his place? Did he just assume that my budget included him?? I totally understand that people have cash flow issues sometimes, but to expect someone to just fit you into their budget is just wrong. Had it been me who was broke, I would have told him beforehand and if he couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for me, I’d have made other arrangements. I feel like I’m being made into someone cash cow or I’m the financier in this relationship. Well, no more. I’m going to have to talk to him because I literally can’t afford to keep seeing him.

As much as a part of me feels cheap for making money such a big deal, the truth is it matters a lot to me. I’m a single mom who in the past 2.5 years has  received 3 months worth of maintenance from my XH. I’m currently saving up to buy my own place and the last thing I need is to be financing someone who will probably not be around a few months, weeks, or even days from now. Yes I don’t expect him to finance ur relationship,but he also shouldn’t expect me to do it. I know I tend to be generous with money, but this feels like being fleeced!

V for Victor(y)

It’s been a wonderful  3 weeks. We’ve spent hours chatting on the phone, been out and about and we even went Rapp Jumping. I think we came into each other’s lives at just the right time.

It’s scary though. I’d like to think that in the last 2 years, i’ve been in control of my life. My time has been mine, unless I wanted to share it with someone else. Along comes this dude who turns all that on it’s head. I now want to spend every free moment I have with him. Yes I know that this is really what I wanted, but damn, its scary. I hate the fact that I love everything he does for me, with me and to me. For me it just spells disaster. Those bad thoughts start creeping in. Things like “What if the bubble bursts”, “What if a few weeks/months down the line his feelings wane and mine don’t”, “What if I stop being into him and he is still into me?”

Why are we such suckers for punishment? We ask, plead, beg and would even steal in order to have someone in your life who just wants to make you happy. You find that person and the first thing you think is “Run. Run as far and as fast as you can because you know this is going to just end up with your little heart broken into tiny little pieces.” Why can’t we just live in the moment, enjoy those good feelings? Even if there is going to be some hurt along the way, at least you would have enjoyed yourself at some point.

I’ll call him Victor

So the day after the movie, I went to a party thrown by some close family friends. Just to give some perspective – whenever I go to a party, I will agonise for hours about what to wear, how to do my hair, is the make-up ok, etc. This night, all I did was put on a pair of jean, white t-shirt, nice boots and put on a bit of makeup. I got dressed in 20 minutes (which never happens). You see these friends are very down-to-earth type of people. The people they hang around with are also the same. The friend I was taking with asked what she should wear. I said to her, “Sweetie, whether you show up in a ball gown or torn jeans it doesn’t matter. Just be comfortable and be you.”

So I took my own advice and went as me. About 30 minutes into the party, I ran into what must be the sweetest man. I’ve known him since high school. He was friends with some of the guys we used to hang out with. He was always quiet so he hung around in the background mainly. It took me 20 minutes to remember his name.

But boy was he just what I needed. As I’ve mentioned previously, I am pretty decent looking, but his compliments made me feel 100 times prettier. He didn’t cringe when I said I’m divorced with a 2yr old. He didn’t blink when I said I live with my mom. He was just great. Took my number & promised to call.

We spent the last 4 hours of the party chatting, dancing and just hanging out. Not once did I feel like he was coming on too strong. He offered to escort me home – I live 20 kilometres in the opposite direction from his house. He got me a drink each time my glass emptied and would be right there with a lighter when I popped a cigarette in my mouth. He would sing the words to his favourite songs at the top of his lungs and dance like he was possessed when the music moved him. Not once did I feel like he was busy trying to impress or put on a show. He looked like he was genuinely having fun.

At the end of the evening, he drove me to my car, which was parked further up the road and ASKED if he could kiss me. I haven’t had that in a long time. Most times guys just take a chance and hope you won’t turn away or slap them. He didn’t once try to paw me during the kiss. I can’t remember the last time a guy didn’t try to take chances.

I spoke to him yesterday and the conversation just flowed. There was no awkward silence and trying to think of something to say. I really like this dude. For once, I don’t feel like I have to try hard to be with someone or even put out until I’m ready. I am so ready for a relationship where we can take things slowly, get to know each other first before taking things too far. I’m seeing him tonight or tomorrow night and I am so looking forward to it.

Even if he is not the one, he just might turn out to be what I need right now, to be treated gently.

Sex and the city

So next time we spoke on the phone I told him how I couldn’t do this anymore, blah, blah, blah. Don’t know how it happened, but I saw him again the next Saturday. I guess a part of me was hoping I wouldn’t really enjoy the sex much. Well I did! Guess that plan didn’t work much

We talked about it, but I guess my resolve wasn’t really there. I would have loved for him to tell me he is leaving her for me. But I know so well he would never do that. His ego wouldn’t let him. He is the type of guy who only goes out with girls in prominent or rich families. He has boasted a few times about some of his past girlfriends and how connected or rich they were, so I knew very well that he would never leave a sweet, pretty woman from a very politically & financially influential woman for me.

So after that last encounter, I didn’t see him for the whole week. On Saturday I called to check if I could see him. Nope, he was going out with the boys and wouldn’t be able to see me. I then decided a night at home alone wouldn’t do, so off to the movies I went.

I decided to watch Sex and the City. I mean, a girl out on her own watching a movie about 4 women who make their own rules, what could be so wrong with that

From the time Mr. Big decided to leave the library, I started bawling my eyes out. I just couldn’t stop. I cried for the pain that I knew Carrie was going through, I cried for myself and I cried for every other woman who has had any type of bad luck in love. Even the end didn’t make things any better for me. I paid for my parking and sat in my car and cried for another 30 minutes. I kept saying to the universe “What have I done that is so bad?? What’s with all this punishment? Is it really too much to ask to meet a young man, decent looking, financially stable, emotionally available and single?” If I was ugly, I guess I could see why the odds of meeting someone would be against me. If I was a total bitch, I could understand why a guy wouldn’t even bother asking for my number 2 seconds after they meet me. It’s been 2 fucking years since I was with someone where we had more going on than the sex. How much longer am I supposed to wait?

I guess being with Joe could have messed a bit with my Karma. Maybe I was getting paid back 10 fold for it. But hell, I would have never been with him if I believed there was any hope of someone coming along. I decided, while sitting in my car, eyes bloodshot & nose dripping like a tap that I would call things off with Joe & give the universe some time to align me with someone.

A part of me felt cleansed after all that crying though. I had gone from married one day, to divorced 3 weeks later and having a hostage situation in between without really stopping to take stock and grieve. I was too busy taking care of my son and just making sure that everything else ran smoothly. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to just let go and have a good cry.

I doubt that the makers of the film were aiming for this reaction, but boy am I glad I watched that movie. Was it a great movie? I don’t know, I was too busy wailing to notice

I’ll call him Joe

I’ve known Joe since I was 9. In fact, he was my first boyfried – a relationship that lasted around 3 years. He has always been in my life, even though sometimes we’d go for years without hearing from each other. Joe has always had a soft spot for me.

Moving right along.

Not sure how it started, but we began to exchange emails. Very innocent & light. One day he asked for my number & a few weeks later I was lying in his bed, feeling like a part of me had been ripped out. You see, I’m going through one of my ‘any type of attention will do’ moods. Here’s the last episode – at least it didn’t involve a man.

After the phone calls started, my mom mentioned that Joe was seeing someone. I wasn’t very close to her but knew her. At the time, it didn’t faze me, all we were doing was exchanging emails once in a while & chatting on the phone about once a week. 2 weeks before the first time I went into his bed, we were at a party, all 3 of us. In fact, I spent quiet a bit of time making small talk with his girlfriend.

One wednesday he called, asked me to dinner. Seemed innocent enough. We had a great time, chatting about everything including his girl. Went home feeling a bit sad that he is with someone, but also happy for him. He asked me to dinner yet again, this time though, I knew that he was still into me. I agreed – even agreed to spend the night in his guest room since I’d be halfway to my ealy morning hiking destination.

Dinner was great. We got back to his place and must have spent another 2 hours chatting still. Then, all hell broke loose and I spent almost 3 weeks seeing him at least once every 3 days.

Last night while at his place, his girlfriend callded. She was sick and he had to go over to her place. I have never felt so cheap in my life. Ok, maybe I have and I just don’t remember. At least I had the good sense (a bit too late though) to call things off.

I am so sick of being alone!!!!